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Challenge, Health, Life, Pregnancy

Missing Mojo

I’ve been having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Mostly because the trio of regular insomnia, pregnancy insomnia (damnit, bladder!), and jetlag have ganged up on me to make me feel utterly exhausted in a way I haven’t felt since the newborn days. But I also just really got out of the groove this spring when morning sickness hit. We were in such a good place back then, I was so energetic and Nora and I had an awesome routine and lots of fun together…and then suddenly I started puking 20-30 times a day and we had to get Nora into part-time daycare because I couldn’t even take care of myself, let alone a toddler.

Now I’m not puking anymore, but I’m left feeling totally wiped and unmotivated. I can’t tell if pregnancy is kicking my ass way harder this time around or if I just need to get a grip and start taking better care of myself again. At 23 weeks with Nora I felt amazing and was still trail running! Now I can barely get out the door for a walk on the Powerline Trail a couple times a week. The hikes we’ve tried to go on since returning home have been foiled for various reasons…but the truly worrying thing is that *insert horrified emoji face* I kind of don’t even want to go hiking right now. And if you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you probably know what a lack of movement does for my mental state.

So yeah, I’m stuck in a vicious cycle and I want to get out of it. I feel no need to be running up summits right now, I’m actually very content with our quiet little life here in town, but I just want to have the energy to start enjoying all the little things again. This will likely be my last pregnancy, because there’s just no way I can be that sick again with two kids to take care of, and I want to savor the experience instead of spending each day counting down the hours until I can go back to bed. I’m descending into the dreaded dumps, and it’s important that I nip this in the bud before it spirals into something more sinister, especially given the huge life change we’re about to have.

I’ve done this before, I’ve climbed out, and I know what helps at this stage. I need to:

(a) exercise, outside
(b) set tiny little achievable goals
(c) notice and appreciate the little things/live in the moment/be here now etc etc
(d) eat like I give a damn
(e) try to not feel guilty about the 5,736 things I’m feeling guilty about

Another thing that might sound weird but totally helps for me is to blog more. I think it’s because I tend to become even more of a hermit than usual during times like these, and writing a blog is a tiny little lifeline that keeps me connected to others, even if it’s just via the internets. So I will do that too.

These all sound pretty obvious and straightforward, but anyone who has ever dealt with depression knows that something as simple as walking the dog can turn into a Herculean task. This isn’t going to be easy, but that’s the way life goes.

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5 Comments

  • Reply Maura August 3, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    Pregnancy is kind of the worst… But also the best! Such a double edged sword. This pregnancy has been so much harder on me than the first one, and, like you, it will be my last. When I get really down or overwhelmed or overly exhausted Bobby reminds me I don’t have much time left and that I never have to go through it again but somehow that makes me sadder…
    Your post also reminded me of the promise I made to myself, that I would cherish every day of this pregnancy, which I have not been doing much of lately.
    Thinking of you lots Mama!

  • Reply Lisa August 3, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    I’m glad you are blogging! I want to hear more about your 2nd pregnancy. :) I remember when you were pregnant with Nora and I was so impressed with all the hiking you guys did. Seriously impressed. I thought about you guys when I was pregnant and I really wanted to take my baby out on the trail like you guys did. (My back is not great these days so putting Logan in the Ergo and going hiking is not in the cards unfortunately.)

    I wonder if it’s common for 2nd pregnancies to be a little rougher with the morning sickness, etc? I have a few friends who recently had their 2nd kid and they all had super easy 1st pregnancies and then brutal 2nd ones. Which scares me slightly!!!!

    Anyways, hope you are doing well. As someone who has battled depression and anxiety, I can relate. Take care of yourself, go for easy walks and let that help you climb out. Walking seriously helps!

  • Reply Misti August 4, 2016 at 5:20 am

    Hey, I’m reading! Keep writing, get all that icky feeling out! I’m sorry about the awfulness right now. Also, you are mega brave and strong for having another baby with a toddler in the house. Ain’t no way…I would have spiraled long ago.

  • Reply CarrieH August 5, 2016 at 2:29 pm

    One step at a time, one day at a time and soon you will be feeling better. It’s so hard to work your way through depression, even when you know the path you need to take. We out here in blog-land love to hear and see your story. You are such an inspiration. Good luck and can’t wait to hear more.

  • Reply Karen August 12, 2016 at 9:55 pm

    I hope you get your mojo back! I can’t imagine it’s easy to do anything with morning sickness.

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